Every other year or so a perplexing piece of trash comes along that forces the viewer to ask, "Why did I just do that to myself?". Ladies and Gentleman, Fox Studios presents 2009's piece of trash winner! All About Steve is so unbearably bad that anyone who sits through the entire movie without killing someone deserves a Nobel Peace Prize; Jesus Christ himself would reconsider saving us if he had to watch this thing. The worst thing about the movie is the main character herself: the "unique" Mary Horowitz. Sandra Bullock's Mary dresses trashy, looks trashy, talks too much, makes crossword puzzles for a living, stalks men to psychopathic levels, and has solidified her candidacy for the top spot when AFI announces its 100 years of Annoyingly Annoying characters. Here's the kicker though... we're supposed to think she's annoying, and then we're supposed to feel bad about thinking that way when we realize she's just... "special". I don't know what's more offensive, the idea that all smart women have to be weird, desperate, and socially clueless or the fact that this movie tried to make me feel guilty. If I wanted to feel guilty I would've done it more rewardingly by watching a movie about the holocaust. From the artificial cinema de quirk premise to actor DJ Qualls's high-handed lines, there's just too much bad in this movie for one reviewer to handle. As if there isn't reason enough to stay away, I'll just end with this: Geraldo Rivera makes a cameo, yes, Geraldo.

Chemistry? What chemistry? There is none to be found in this movie because this is not a romantic comedy. I repeat, this is NOT A ROMANTIC COMEDY. This is not a movie where the audience witnesses two people fall in love in 95 minutes; instead the viewer is somehow expected to love one's self and accept the uniqueness of others. Wow, I never thought I'd ever see myself barfing and writing simultaneously. No, Bradley Cooper is simply in the movie to be disgusted and repelled by Sandra Bullock the entire time. I feel you Bradley; my deepest condolences.

Sitting through this movie is excruciatingly painful. There may be one or two milliseconds of laughter thanks to Ken Jeong, but otherwise, you'll probably find more laughs at Michael Jackson's funeral. The jokes are horrible: slow zoom into boobies!, Bradley Cooper gets hit in the head with a camera!, and a hearing-impaired kid signs: "I smell a lawsuit!". Oh my goodness, it's a laugh riot indeed! At one point in the movie a group of "pro-leggers" protest a baby's right to keep his third leg. Enough said.

For the first time in FilmFracture history a reviewer has requested a 0 clock rating for a film. The site does not give 0 clock ratings so a 1 had to be settled for, much to his dismay.